Estrangement from a narcissistic parent (or narcissistic and enabling parents) is a difficult and painful decision to make as a child of these disordered beings. Often the choice is made after years or even a lifetime of abuse; whether it be physical, emotional, verbal or sexual or any combination of these, or worse, all.
A taboo thing to do
Cutting off your parents is generally not considered a good thing by wider society. It is certainly an unpopular thing to do. People who have caring, nurturing, supportive parents don’t understand what it’s like to have abusive parents, and it is likely that you will be rejected, criticised, judged, and shamed for getting out of denial and creating healthy boundaries for yourself in choosing not to tolerate the parents’ abusive behaviour. If you feel that you need to shut down who you are to be who the narcissist wants you or forced you to be, and therefore to be (conditionally) accepted, then that is a good clue that you are potentially in an abusive family. People will wrongly assume that you are the one with the issue, not your parents. You might hear cries of, “But they’re your parents”, “You need to forgive them”, “You need to start talking to them again, one day they won’t be around”, and so on.
And, so? Why should anyone place themselves in a position with people who treat you badly, whether they provided sperm and donated an egg to create you, or not; as partners, friends, colleagues or bosses? No one should. You would cut off other toxic and abusive people in your life so why not parents? Narcissists will never take accountability or responsibility for how they have treated their child or children. In fact, they will instead blame the child and accuse them of being a bad child, a defective, worthless being. When you are a child, you have no power, however, as an adult you can make your own independent decisions.
Making the decision to cut off or at least distance yourself more from your parent or parents most likely comes after a long time of trying to get them to love you. You do what they want and ‘people-please’ so they might finally throw you a crumb and welcome you, accept you, validate and respect you, but they never do. They have no capacity to. Focussing on, and learning to love yourself is the work you need to do as a liberated, independent adult. You cannot fix them.
Nothing to lose
Once you have extracted yourself from the family cult, you are free to be yourself; the individuated being that was YOU hiding deep down inside. No more abuse, controlling, invalidation, ignoring, constant criticism, internalising their toxic shame and projections, enmeshment, being treated as an object, or like you ‘owe them’, or that they are entitled to ‘own you’ like property, no matter your age. Equally as important, you are no longer being ascribed a role to play in the narcissistic cult such as Scapegoat, Golden Child, Lost Child or Mascot etc… There may also be obvious manipulations on their behalf, ‘carrot-dangling’, future-faking and threats to disinherit you if you stop being their puppet in order to draw you back in. They may even recruit others called ‘flying monkeys’ to try to draw you back into the web, and wage ‘smear campaigns’ to control how others’ see you when they can’t control you themselves.
You are free to follow your own path and to speak your truth. Be strong.
Overcoming complex trauma (C-PTSD)
Even so, Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) including trauma over many years can debilitate a child, and the effects follow them into adulthood as parts of the wounded ‘inner child’ are still feeling the pain of being abused and never having their needs met. Complex (over a long period of time) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can result in C-PTSD which is difficult to heal. Learning about C-PTSD and the manifestations of long-standing trauma; including dissociation, hypervigilance, anxiety, depression, and stress responses of ‘fight, flight, freeze and fawn’ will help in understanding why you feel the way you do.
Facing the truth of the situation, grieving for the parents you never had, and finding an empathetic, trauma-informed therapist will assist in helping you resolve the trauma, especially if they are in the same situation of having gone ‘no contact’ with their own parents, and done their own deep psychological work. They will assist in uncovering methods of how to discharge and release the trauma. Further, associating with supportive people who respect you and treat you well, and possibly starting self-care practices such as journalling, meditating, and generally looking after your body, mind and spirit will foster your healing and growth, connecting you with your innate, creative self and finding purpose.
