We hear a lot about ‘self-esteem.’ What is it? What is ‘low self-esteem’, and what is considered ‘high self-esteem’?

‘Self-esteem’ is what we think of ourselves, including how we see ourselves. If we grew up experiencing (if we remember), and surviving complex trauma including ongoing physical and verbal abuse, constant criticism, and being ignored by the people who were supposed to nurture, protect and care for us, then we can experience low self-esteem, which carries into adulthood. The way we were treated therefore creates the template for our self-esteem. Having no support, praise, acknowledgement, affection or care in our formative years breaks our trust and diminishes our self-esteem.

What is ‘low self-esteem?’

Low self-esteem can be demonstrated through a combination of some of the following behaviours, which aren’t exhaustive, though the occasional or a ‘once only’ behaviour may not be demonstrative of low self-esteem:

  • people pleasing and going to extreme lengths to avoid conflict;
  • saying ‘yes’ to things you don’t want to do, as you don’t want to let others’ down;
  • feeling guilty if you do say ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do;
  • feeling unworthy of love;
  • repeatedly apologising when it isn’t necessary;
  • the inability to create healthy boundaries;
  • allowing people to walk all over you;
  • hesitating to speak up, or not speaking up at all;
  • downplaying your accomplishments;
  • holding yourself back from following opportunities because feel you aren’t good enough;
  • being a perfectionist;
  • the inability to make decisions; and
  • self-criticism.

How to build self-esteem

Methods of trying to build our self-esteem include changing our thoughts and/or behaviour via improved self-care, repeating affirmations, or setting ourselves goals to achieve. However, the issue really lies in the beliefs our minds formed about ourselves when we were children. Assumptions were made whereby we believed others’ views defined our worth. We may also believe our worth is derived by our achievements. Due to the abuse we experienced, we internalised or introjected beliefs such as, “I’m not good enough”, “I don’t matter to anyone”, or “I am not deserving”, because these messages were reinforced within a dysfunctional family system by so-called parents or other, ‘caregivers’.

The beliefs we formed about ourselves don’t just go away as we age. They become scripts that run in the background of our minds; tailoring how we feel about ourselves, how we respond or react to others, and, importantly, what we think we’re deserving of. If we have felt stuck and stagnant in life, it’s not because we aren’t doing our best to change or move on from the past. It is because we have been attempting to create positive change with a belief system that is contradictory to those old, foundational beliefs. To create change, and how we view ourselves, the way forward is not by pushing ourselves more, it is working on removing those old limiting beliefs that say you are not good enough. When these beliefs are eradicated, our confidence and our motivation has the space to expand and we can move forward.

The good news is that we are not limited by setbacks experienced in childhood. We have the choice as adults to build healthy self-esteem. Some of the ways we can build our self-esteem is by:

  • having and maintaining relationships with supportive people in your life;
  • doing what you are good at;
  • changing your self talk from negative to positive;
  • not comparing yourself to others – accept and celebrate yourself for the unique individual you are;
  • acknowledging what you have achieved; and
  • forgiving yourself.

What is ‘high self-esteem’?

The types of behaviour that demonstrates high self-esteem include:

  • making decisions with confidence;
  • having confidence in your abilities;
  • knowing that you can trust yourself to make choices appropriately;
  • respecting yourself;
  • knowing that you are as important and as worthy as the next person – there is no competition and you are not ‘lesser than’;
  • creating healthy boundaries;
  • not judging yourself based on mistakes – we all make them;
  • trusting in yourself and life;
  • taking initiative; and
  • believing in yourself.

A high self-esteem is important as it fosters a better quality of life where we can feel good about ourselves, and move through life’s inevitable ups and downs more smoothly.