“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time” Maya Angelou

I recently had an experience of betrayal from a professional holding a position of trust. I naively assumed I was past having my trust broken, having grown up with narcissistic and enabling parents (including a stepparent (now deceased), step-in-law, and an ex-husband who cheated on me, not with one woman, but two).

I was wrong. I assumed too much from a person who supposedly had credibility due to qualifications, experience and age. The trust with this person was built in small increments over the course of almost a year. I initially felt emotionally safe with them, and that I could open up and talk freely. They listened without trying to fix, or be dismissive. They seemed supportive and understanding, and reflected what I was saying, demonstrating that they were listening.

However, there were little red flags leading up to the incident that I overlooked. A breach of boundaries – not in a big way at first, but small ways. For example, changing an appointment time to one hour later without checking first, making an appointment time too long, occasional dismissiveness creeping in, among other things. The inconsistencies started to add up, but I didn’t see it at the time. I trusted them, and it was misplaced.

Then, in a single moment, trust was broken. I had let my guard down for them. The final time I met with them they were judgemental and shaming, letting me know how little they thought of me. The mask had fallen off, and I saw behind the facade. I was blindsided, felt deeply hurt and triggered. I was shattered, and completely devastated. Afterwards, in a state of confusion and heightened anxiety, I asked myself;

  • “How could I be so stupid, and blind?”
  • “How didn’t I see this coming?”
  • “How could I not see what they were really like?”
  • “Can I trust my own judgement?” And, especially,
  • “Why did I trust them, and not let them earn my trust?”

I shamed myself, blamed myself.

Then I reminded myself that people can wear all sorts of masks, and have all sorts of self-serving agendas (usually around power and control, ego and money). I learned that people can present themselves online as anyone they like, but be someone else in real life, and get away with behaving in unethical and unprofessional ways when alone in a room with someone else. There is an incongruence between, “Saying what you mean, and meaning what you say”. They can be manipulators, hiding in plain sight. This type of behaviour makes me think of people like Jimmy Savile (UK radio/ TV personality, prolific paedophile and sexual abuser) and Harold Shipman (Doctor and serial killer). They held titles that have status in society, and people can assume they are upstanding citizens, beyond reproach. Nothing is further from the truth.

Can trust be repaired or rebuilt? For me, it can’t be in this situation. The pain was too great. They reached out a few weeks later. I was going to return and express how I felt, but just couldn’t. I went through the uncertainty and agony of whether I should or could go back, or whether I should leave it, over and over in my mind; backwards and forwards. Anxiety and the ‘fight or flight’ stress response would kick in as soon as I started thinking about being in their physical presence again. I therefore decided I could not potentially place myself in such an emotionally unsafe situation again.

I needed to repair my inner trust, and honour myself. I also didn’t feel they would own the harm without making excuses, becoming defensive or blaming me, or take any steps to repair the damage such as asking what I needed from them. I now, sadly, see them in a different light completely. However, I learnt a lot more about myself in the process, and would do things differently if there’s ever a next time.

For others, maybe trust can be repaired. I don’t really think things can go back to the way they once were. It is only by creating safe boundaries and respecting yourself, and providing a space for trust to be repaired can things improve without chancing further harm. Boundaries also elucidate what we need to feel safe, and will most certainly need to be respected by the person who breached them.

If trust is to be rebuilt in the same way it broke, it is difficult, and it takes a commitment to change with consistent words, actions and choices over time in order to heal. Apologies, expressing regret, and grand statements about changing without accountability and follow through, will not work. It is not a quick fix, it is a process with no deadline and no expectations. We can’t control it and we can’t, ‘push the river’ as the Hopi saying goes. We need to be patient.

Rebuilding trust ultimately requires honestly showing up, and actions, not words.