Christmas and the holiday season is the perfect time for narcissists to create drama and ruin the occasion for everyone else. A time for peace, relaxation and fun family get-togethers to look forward to is instead marred by dread, stress, tension and disappointment, leading to bad memories.
The narcissist has to have all the attention on them, so if others are getting any attention, they will make it about them by turning the conversation back on themselves or otherwise draw attention to themselves such as creating an argument in order to reclaim it. They need to control everyone and everything around them. So, it is also the perfect opportunity for them to garner narcissistic supply, either through, for example, grandiosity, (fake) generosity, throwing a tantrum, sooking, guilt tripping and being aggressive. They will do no preparation or planning for the day as that is beneath them, then complain that nothing is right. Narcissists feel better (or more superior) by making others feel bad (or inferior) such as through making snide remarks and insulting others, or outright ignoring others.
Crappy gifts
If you are the scapegoat child in the family in particular, you will be expected to attend the family gathering to make the narcissist look good, but be ignored the whole time. It is about the narcissist looking good to others, putting on this wonderful get-together.
Plus, you will be given an insulting gift for your efforts. For example, if you were asked if you had read a certain book and said ‘yes’, guess what you will receive. Or, you will get a totally inappropriate second-hand shop gift, complete with 50cent sticker, just to let you know how little you’re worth. Meanwhile, the golden child will be lavished with extravagant gifts – designed to ‘divide and conquer’ siblings / stepsiblings.
If you speak up about the unfairness of how you’ve been treated, then you’ll be in the wrong, ungrateful etc, and blamed for the situation. So, there is no point in saying anything unless you’re willing to accept the repercussions. You will be expected to buy expensive gifts for the narcissist, as after all, they own you as their property, they gave you life, and therefore you owe them. Not to mention, they have a sense of entitlement, seek validation and to be admired, and have NO empathy. They are perfectionists so nothing you ever do will ever be right, or good enough.
Healthy boundaries
To survive Christmas with the narcissists in your family, or any other non-familial narcissist, you will need to develop healthy boundaries. Keep the visit as short as possible, drive there so you can leave when you like. If you say ‘no’ to turning up altogether, then expect the silent treatment. You may even find it healthier for you to go ‘no contact’ completely. You are not obligated or have a duty to place yourself in situations where it is difficult for you, especially if it is a reminder of how little you mean to parents or people who are supposed to love and care for you.
Create your own rituals with others
You may like to create your own rituals to survive the season, by spending time with people who support you. A Christmas breakfast, going to visit lights in your area, having your own peaceful, private time with a loved one such as a partner can all be ways of enjoying the season without all the negativity.
The narcissist’s greed, their expectations, the pressure, and indeed the commercialisation and fakeness of it all can take its toll. Please be compassionate towards yourself. Above all, accept that they have no capacity for love, and remember that none of the narcissist’s abusive behaviour is your fault.
