The dynamics between a cult and a narcissistic family are similar, as they both contain an authority figure as the leader who has complete power and control over other people in the group or family; whether it be over the members’ lived reality, how they perceive reality, or how they behave. So, whatever the leader says or does, goes, and the others in the group who are all lower in the pecking order are required to worship that leader.
The attributes of a cult
The attributes or characteristics of a cult include a leader who is narcissistic or even psychopathic. Think of Jim Jones of Jonestown, Charles Manson of the “Helter Skelter” cult, David Koresh of the Branch Davidians or Marshall Applewhite and Bonnie Nettles who led the Heaven’s Gate cult.
Indoctrination
People are initially broken down in a cult, then they alter those in the group by resetting the person’s thoughts and actions to adopt and align to the mindset and reality of that cult leader.
Harm to the group members
At first, the cult leader/narcissist pretends they are fulfilling a need for the person in the group, whether real or perceived, particularly for vulnerable seekers joining predatory religious or spiritual groups headed by a narcissistic. The leader will be manipulative and ask that the seeker be open and sharing of their lives, then turn on them and use the information against them. It is like a ‘bait and switch’ scenario where trust is gained, then broken, and so the cycle goes round and round.
Dependency on the group and the fostering of enmeshment is also part of the harm imposed by the cult leader, much like a narcissistic family where no one else can be their true selves, individuate from the family or set healthy boundaries.
The attributes of a narcissistic family
It’s all about image
The narcissistic family matriarch or patriarch will protect the image of the family at all costs, over the health and wellbeing of any of the family members as they do not care about you; they have no capacity to care and will abuse and neglect the other members of the family. Like a cult, you will also be expected to worship at the altar of the narcissist.
Speaking up – scapegoating and boundary violation
If a person speaks up and tells the truth about being abused by the narcissist, they will become the family ‘scapegoat’ even if you had the role of ‘golden child’ prior to speaking out. You have no voice. The narcissist and those enmeshed in the dynamic will lie about you, smearing your name to others, gaslighting you, say that the abuse did not happen, and will say good things about the abuser. The crazy-making, distorted reality of the narcissist therefore needs to be accepted as real, and true, and all members of the family need to agree to that reality – or else. This is the expectation of the narcissist.
Blaming and shaming the scapegoat, who is attempting to individuate and have healthy boundaries, is the punishment for speaking out. No one is allowed to have an independent identity or to have any privacy. The narcissist will not respect that your own house, your bedroom, car, clothes, phone, journal or school bag etc is off limits, and will be trying to find dirt on you to use against you, making you feel guilty or inferior, or just expect that your stuff is their stuff and they are entitled to it.
As a child, your unique identity was not encouraged or fostered in a narcissistic family. The children grow up and have no idea who they are, what they want, what they like, what they don’t like, what they want to do for a career, hobbies and so on in adulthood.
Golden child vs scapegoat – where war is created
In narcissistic families, there will always be the ascribed roles of ‘golden child’ and ‘scapegoat’ to create division between the siblings, stepsiblings, cousins or other members of the extended family by the narcissist. The narcissist will smear the ‘scapegoat’ to anyone everyone, gossiping and telling them their business, generally putting them down, while praising the ‘golden child’ as the one who can do no wrong and everyone is expected to believe the narcissist. In front of others though, the more covert type of narcissist will pretend to be nice to the scapegoat as the perfect family image needs to be maintained.
Enablers and flying monkeys support the narcissist
Enablers and flying monkeys support and protect the abuser, often not knowing that they are being manipulated to serve the narcissist’s ends. They keep the peace with the abuser at all costs, cover the abuse up, make excuses for them, sweep the dirt under the rug and pretend all is okay when it’s not.
The abuse cycle
This abuse cycle often occurs in partnerships where a child of a narcissist goes on to partner with a narcissist as this pattern is familiar. The narcissist will use love bombing to hook you, meaning they will praise you, give you gifts, and things will be pleasant, like you’re on a ‘honeymoon’ then, when you relax and feel all is okay, they will devalue you, discard you, and attack you if you don’t go along with them. Then all will calm down and the cycle starts again and repeats. This creates a ‘trauma bond’ (like an addiction) for the person abused, which is difficult to break, although reclaiming your power, trusting yourself and creating boundaries by going ‘No Contact’ with the abuser(s) will break the destructive cycle. You will then have created and can maintain peace in your newly-claimed life.
