Growing up with narcissistic and enabling ‘parents’, there is never any love. It is all about their wants and needs, not yours. They may fake ‘love’ in front of other people to make themselves look good (the classic ‘street angel, home devil’ scenario), but because they lack empathy, are self-absorbed and lack insight into their own character, there is no genuine love for their children. Children are considered objects or property and are ascribed roles which are conditional on the cultish rules of the family system. Insecure attachment, low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, lack of confidence and an array of other detriments to the child are instilled.
Complex trauma
As a result, complex trauma (C-PTSD) in adults can result from the prolonged abuse. Physical, emotional, verbal, sexual abuse, or being neglectful in any way, which is abuse by omission, has a profound effect on a child’s psyche. Symptoms may include anxiety, depression, rage, hypervigilance, avoidance, dissociation, insomnia and nightmares.
Deciding to go to therapy
If you feel therapy may help or are advised to seek professional assistance to unpack and heal the childhood damage, it can initially take a lot of courage to go to therapy. Then you need to feel vulnerable enough to open up to someone you don’t know, and assume you can trust them because of their title, experience and regulation of the profession.
However, the therapist may be a bad fit for you, and not trauma-informed even though they advertise they are (though one would think this would be a pre-requisite for the role). They can be driven by ego, money and/or power, and a myriad of other self-serving motives. You may have also unwittingly attracted another narcissist into your life as this energy unfortunately feels familiar.
‘Tough love’ in the therapeutic context – a cautionary note
If the therapist at any stage starts speaking to you harshly, reminding you of how your ‘parents’ put you down, and then justifying the way they spoke to you as ‘tough love’, well, they are wrong – it’s not. “Tough love” does not exist and is not a therapeutic technique. It is an approach that is nothing more than verbal abuse dressed up as the client supposedly needing to hear some painful truths (according to the therapist’s opinion and frustration) which is meant to motivate the client to move in the direction of their treatment goals.
It does not work and can be detrimental to the client, especially if the therapist also does not challenge the client appropriately first by cushioning or front-loading what they are about to say. If blindsided, in particular, the client can then (again) feel judged, criticised, shamed, belittled, demeaned and torn down – the therapist effectively re-enacting how the client’s so-called parents treated them; as worthless.
The client will likely sense the therapist’s emotional mis-attunement, as in childhood, and view the therapist as a ‘critical parent’; evoking ‘negative transference’ or projecting/displacing unresolved past feelings and issues onto the therapist. The client can feel emotionally overwhelmed, being flooded with emotions, triggering traumatic memories or flashbacks and stress response/s (fight/flight/freeze or fawn) which dysregulates the nervous system. The client will most likely feel they are (again) emotionally unsafe, that the therapist has breached their trust, and the ensuing rupture has harmed any therapeutic alliance or bond beyond repair.
What to look for in a good therapist
Like a good parent who loves their children, a good therapist has the qualities of unconditional support, kindness, presence, open-mindedness, patience, compassion, respect, empathy and effective communication, and meeting people where they’re at, is what works. Clients who leave the therapist’s office feeling confused, gaslit, let down, unheard, unseen and diminished as a person is a big red flag. If they specifically mention “tough love”, it is anything but love so run for the hills.
Further reading and viewing
Daniel Mackler is a former therapist from New York who is estranged from his parents, and provides a critique of therapy. He has written a book, “Breaking From Your Parents” and has his own YouTube channel.
