“But show me just this one thing, my darling, I seek a heart stained like a poppy flower” — Fatima Bhutto, The Shadow of the Crescent Moon
What is ‘limerence’? I recently heard the word, and now that I know what it means, I understand a bit more about my own patterns and where they come from.
Definition of ‘limerence’
‘Limerence’ is a deeply emotional, compulsive and all-consuming preoccupation or obsession with another person. You can be infatuated with someone, have intrusive thoughts about them, and it is more than a ‘crush’; it’s an intense fantasy, a delusion, idealisation, longing or focus which can take over your life, even to the point of stalking someone. The longing does not necessarily need to be of a sexual nature, but it can be.
Where does limerence come from?
If we experienced childhood trauma and have an insecure attachment style (for example, avoidant, anxious, disordered) due to ‘caregivers’ being inconsistent, abusive and/or emotionally unavailable, generally absent, neglectful, offering no attention or care, this can lead us to being overly attached (clingy) or withdrawing from people. We grew up with no identity, as we weren’t considered special to anyone and our true selves weren’t fostered. We don’t know who we are, and become more susceptible to limerence arising in adulthood. Limerence is somewhat of a coping mechanism, and is foremost an attachment issue. An insecure attachment style can also mean you have difficulties with trusting others and maintaining relationships in adulthood, fearing rejection.
If you didn’t grow up with any solid attachment or connection, experiencing rejection from parents/caregivers, you are likely to seek it elsewhere. So, if you grew up without a safe home base, without anyone being interested in you, without anyone taking any notice of you, or sharing special time, and a connection with you as everyone else matters more, then you will look for care and love from external sources. We want to be considered important to someone, and may have developed ‘adoption’ or ‘rescue’ fantasies, for example, of a distant relative coming to save us. Limerence is about belonging to someone, about finding ‘home’, a connection, and not really about the actual person who is the subject of limerence – called the limerent object (LO).
What is the experience of limerence like?
You may have constant fantasies about the life you live in the future with the LO, and think about them all the time; visualising scenarios of moving in together, getting married etc., thinking that you have found your ‘soulmate,’ and that there is mutual reciprocity in relation to their feelings towards you. You can also lose some sense of reality in your imaginal world, and you may also see the person as being perfect.
You may also become fixated on the potential partners that could be unavailable. This is because the relationship will not lead anywhere meaningful. It is easier to deal with the fantasy regarding someone you probably can’t have, which may be better than dealing with the actual reality with the partners you could have, or the partner you have. Although, limerence can occur in the beginning of a relationship, but can de-escalate as the relationship moves from ‘ideal’ to ‘real’. We can also be in limerence with someone we have never met such as someone famous, or with someone we have only met once.
It is not good for us to have limerence, as it’s akin to a coping strategy. The addiction to thinking/fantasising about the person is like getting a ‘high’, like we’re on drugs. We may ignore our ‘real-life’ family and any current partner due the fantasising, and want for the limerent object to ‘rescue’ us, which can also tip into having an ’emotional affair’ with the LO.
How do we heal from limerence?
To heal from being limerent, we need to shift our focus to ourselves (differentiate) and recognise that desperately longing and obsessing over a LO is not about them; it is instead a message that we have some work to do on our attachment wounds from experiencing childhood trauma. I personally have read a lot about love, love addiction and co-dependence. The book “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Mellody is an excellent read, as is “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood. Going to therapy may help too, but ensure you find a therapist who understands childhood trauma and is properly trauma-trained. Taking up new hobbies, journalling and reflecting can help in the healing process as well.
Remember – limerence is about the inner YOU, not the LO.
