Narcissists are attention-seeking, grandiose, self-absorbed, self-entitled predators who have a well-tuned radar for picking out potential targets as sources of narcissistic supply. They may go straight for the jugular, or test you out more subtly or covertly to see if you are as weak as they would like for their preferred source(s) of supply (property, money, sex, free labour or whatever…).
Who becomes a target?
A narcissist will target those who possess the qualities the narcissist lacks (empathy, self-awareness and kindness for example). They will put on the charm offensive or ‘love bombing’, then go through the cycle of devaluing and discarding their victims if they don’t comply with their wishes and demands. If the narcissist can’t control you, they will then attempt to control how others’ see you by using smear campaigns against you. They create drama, they gaslight, manipulate and project blame onto the target, making them look like the crazy one, diminishing them even further. The object is that the victim has no sense of self (not that they had one, or much of one, in the first place as they were taught their feelings and instincts weren’t real). This crazy-making screws with the targets’ minds and it’s hard to know who to trust. My ‘go to’ is – if you don’t know where you stand 100% with someone, then chances are they do not have your best interests at heart, to say the least.
Where does the dynamic stem from?
Often targets are conditioned as children to be ‘scapegoats’ to feel ‘lesser than’ (others), and to be the ones to have parental poison, blame, criticism and all kinds of toxic shame and abuse dumped on them. These children grow up without a solid sense of identity and individuality due to this enmeshment in the cult of the family system. They are unsure of themselves, have poor self-esteem and self-worth; seeking validation from those around them rather than from their own internal validation.
The importance of healthy boundaries
Children of narcissists are also never taught healthy boundaries, (or anything else such as life skills), except that they aren’t worthy of love, and have no value, unless they go along with the narcissistic parent, often supported by an enabler partner. The children are objectified, considered property, and need to submit to the narcissist conditionally in order to survive. They were also taught to feel guilty any time they tried to assert boundaries, winding up in situations of major conflict and over- or under- reacting against those who violate them by overstepping the mark. Others can sense their poor boundaries and the inability to defend themselves. Narcissists then start and continue extracting supply because these scapegoated children are conditioned to take the abuse, often ending up in adult relationships which reflect their earlier relationship with their parents.
As you learn to have healthier boundaries and to speak up for yourself, the narcissist(s) who have taken advantage of you not having them will absolutely hate it. if you challenge a narcissist, it will trigger their power and control issues. They will throw tantrums, make threats, and manipulate, including ‘love-bombing’ which is part of their idealise/devalue/discard cycle and keeping you addicted to them in a ‘trauma bond.’ Please make sure you ignore their games. As you learn to have healthy boundaries and to maintain them, you are valuing and honouring yourself, which is positive for personal growth. If toxic abusers fall by the wayside in your life, that is a good thing. Be discerning about who you let into your life and don’t trust too easily. If you need to co-parent with a narcissist, and can’t go completely ‘no contact’, ‘grey rocking’ them is the best way to deal with them.
You can’t change them or anyone else, however you can set limits on what behaviour you will tolerate, and you are perfectly entitled to enforce those limits.
Recovery from narcissistic abuse
Those of us who are targets of narcissists need to build our self-esteem, knowing, and believing in, ourselves and therefore not sending out a signal that we are easy targets. We also need to learn strategies to be assertive and to communicate effectively. Self-care is important too – in mind, body and spirit. Do not give yourself away to people who don’t deserve it. If you feel or know that you are a target, start taking notice of whether or not you ‘people please,’ putting others’ needs before your own. Start pleasing yourself first, and take the time to consider whether you really want to say ‘yes’ to what someone wants you to do. If it is something done especially out of fear, obligation or guilt, then you probably need to say ‘no.’
Educating yourself on narcissism will also empower you and give you techniques to disarm them. The people who see through narcissists will see the narcissist pull out all stops to destroy them, as they wish to continue their sick games which revolve around power and control. Narcissists fear being ‘unmasked’. If you see them acting in their robot manner, projecting their false selves then you will be considered a big threat to be ruined and defeated.
Further, if you stay in a situation where you are the target of a narcissist, you will never be able to live in peace as there will always be a drama to contend with. If you believe you are a ‘moth’, you will need to learn to let the ‘flame’ go. You don’t need these energy vampires to validate you; YOU need to validate and approve of yourself. As a child who never received any love or approval from a parent you had no power back then to change the situation. As an adult, now you do. The power resides within you to recognise that you don’t need to be drawn to these types to validate your own life. Seek therapy if you need to, to work on healing the wounds from an abusive, dysfunctional, toxic childhood so you don’t attract these predators in the future. Then you can find, and be, your true self.
