The Karpman Drama Triangle of Relationships can help explain dynamics in a narcissistic family. Approximately 50 years ago, Stephen Karpman deduced that all so-called dramatic relationships contained two of three personalities, and developed the so-called ‘Drama Triangle’ as follows:
Rescuer – these people, ‘need to be needed.’ They are co-dependent and enabling. They cannot allow the ‘victim’ get out of their situation as it serves their need to control, and they feel valued and worthwhile by attempting to ‘fix’ others;
Victim – these people need to be saved. They do not accept any responsibility in the dynamic, is disempowered, and thinks everyone is, ‘out to get them;’ and,
Persecutor – these people blame the victim for any and all issues in the relationship. They are authoritarian, cold, angry, rigid, manipulative and critical (narcissistic).
Although this is a simplistic explanation of complex dynamics, it is important to note that the Drama Triangle does not apply to children as they are not aware, and cannot make informed decisions regarding going, ‘Low Contact’, ‘No Contact’ or otherwise exercise healthy boundaries to disconnect from the narcissists/situation. They have no agency or ‘choice’ in being a victim to a narcissistic or other type of abusive parent. A child can only keep themselves safe as far as possible, and adapt to being in ‘survival’ mode to effect this. Narcissists essentially manipulate and control children to play the role they chose for us.
Our childhood experiences therefore inform what roles we play, which we then take into adult life. In adulthood we fall back into these dysfunctional roles because they are both familiar, and unconscious. We do not need any conscious effort or teaching to play the role(s). It is difficult if not impossible to ‘step off’ the Drama Triangle.
The Drama Triangle demonstrates the interplay between people; it is not a set personality type. When someone is a ‘Victim’, it doesn’t mean they are an actual victim. They are instead interacting from a standpoint that may not reflect reality. A ‘victim’ perceives that they have no power to change things, which may or may not be true. The Drama Triangle concerns how people approach interpersonal interactions, which are unconscious. Learning about these three roles, and how they interact dynamically is how we become aware of unconscious patterns (both our own and others) so we can make more conscious choices. This then keeps us safe, and enables us to have healthy boundaries and to engage in more healthy interactions.
However, even though we can use healthy communication skills all we like, that doesn’t mean the other person (Persecutor/Narcissist) will do the same. Another benefit of learning about how the Drama Triangle operates is learning to see when someone is trying to manipulate and control you with it. If they do not change, exercise healthy boundaries and go ‘No Contact’ or ‘Low Contact’ if ‘No contact’ isn’t a realistic possibility. Knowledge is power, and with it, we can recover from our childhood conditioning our old, trained behaviours and give us the strength to see where we are being treated as being in a ‘Victim’ role.
