If you grew up in a dysfunctional and abusive environment such as in a narcissistic family, then your childhood needs weren’t met, and you have been set up with a poor blueprint for secure and healthy relationships in adulthood, to say the least.
We then attempt to fix our childhood wounds via our romantic partners in adulthood. We want the ‘fairytale ending’, where our childhood issues resolve by our partner seeing us and valuing us for who we are, accepting and loving us unconditionally. In effect, we are (re)living our childhood issues through our partners.
Four types of attachment styles
Secure Attachment Style – This is the goal style to work towards, as there is low anxiety and low avoidance. These people feel safe and trusting with others, and do not fear being alone. They are okay with people not accepting them, and have a positive self-image toward themselves and others.
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style – This a style of high anxiety and low avoidance. These people would like a relationship and need to prove themselves; their worth, and attempt to hold onto a partner at all costs. They can rush in, then constantly question the relationship, needing reassurance from the partner that they won’t leave them, even though it’s not all that reassuring. They are constantly ‘on-guard’ or hypervigilant about the relationship’s status, putting the partner on a pedestal and lowering themselves. In effect, projecting their childhood abandonment onto the other person. Therefore, their self-image is low, and their perception of others is high.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style – This is a style of low anxiety, however they are extremely avoidant. They enjoy being alone, are independent, need space, and easily walk away from relationships. They never fully commit to relationships and have difficulty asking for help. Working on valuing emotions more would assist them in moving towards a more secure attachment style.
Fearful Avoidant (0r Disorganised) Attachment Style – This is a style if high anxiety and high avoidance. They aren’t comfortable being in a relationship, but they don’t want to be alone either. They criticise their partner, are self-critical, and fear abandonment. These people are also low on trust, fear getting hurt, and have a ‘push away-pull towards’ mode of relating – between intimacy and the fear of it.
Work on overcoming insecure attachment styles
If you identify as someone with an attachment style that is other than secure, and these fall on a spectrum so you may relate to more than one, then you may end up in a relationship with either your own attachment style, or someone opposite to that (eg secure).
In the first instance, ask yourself, how do I relate to myself? What am I avoiding in myself (Some inner child work may assist here), and, how does this avoidance play out in my relationships? Looking after your inner child is the method for regulating yourself (which I will do a separate blog on next time).
For those of us who experience high anxiety, this is our childhood experiences playing out. We find it difficult to deal with relationships accordingly.
If we are dismissive avoidant, connecting with our repressed emotions via inner child work can help overcome limitations around being hyper-independent, self-sufficient and disconnected from others, moving towards opening up more either in groups or in therapy (if you can find a safe therapist).
If you identify as fearful avoidant (disorganised), then working on not creating chaos to keep yourself safe in your relationships through being more emotionally regulated and less critical, which will bring you closer to others, not more distant. Mindfulness and therapy can assist here as well.
