If you grew up in a narcissistic family, then you were ascribed a role in that system rather than being valued and accepted for the unique individual you are.
The ‘scapegoat’ child label comes from an ancient Hebrew tradition. During the Day of Atonement, a goat was symbolically burdened with the peoples’ sins then sent out into the wilderness to die. This was a form of sacrifice and not unlike the situation of a scapegoated child in a narcissistic family system.
How parents identify the child who becomes the scapegoat may not be based on anything logical, but could be based on the child being a particular sex (eg you were born female but the parents wanted a male, especially if you were the first-born child). Or, you may remind the parent(s) of someone else in the family they despise. Not unsurprisingly, parents who create this abusive family dynamic, often grow up in dysfunctional narcissistic families of origin and therefore repeat it when creating their own family.
The child who is forced to take on the scapegoat role is often sensitive and emotionally honest. They feel hurt more readily than others. They may also have less depth in their relationships as adults since there was no closeness within their family, let alone support or protection growing up. The child was sacrificed for the family system’s use and abuse so everyone else could feel good about the situation. They are considered a burden. They are shamed by the family, and internalise this, or carry the dysfunction, by feeling ashamed of themselves.
The scapegoated child can then become self-destructive and sabotage themselves (eg self-harm), sometimes in order to get attention, sometimes to relieve the pain, and/or, become excessive caretakers and problem-solvers. Becoming hyper-independent, hyper-vigilant, having poor boundaries and spending a lot of time alone are also common outcomes of being scapegoated in childhood. Further, the family system denies the scapegoated child’s reality and their identity, with the child struggling to know who they really are as they move into adulthood.
The scapegoat is the one blamed for the family’s problems. Tension and conflict was always considered to be the scapegoat’s fault. If the parents get divorced, for example, with the enabler finding another narcissist, well it’s the scapegoat child’s fault and the rest of the family is blameless. This criticism projects the issue onto the child rather than on the dysfunctional narcissistic/enabling parents. The scapegoated child, believing they are the ‘problem child’ can also grow into adulthood developing a defensive attitude, no or low trust in others, experience self-doubt and low self-esteem and low self-worth, feel confused, anxious, and apologise and over-explain everything.
In a healthy family, there is accountability by the wrongdoer(s), though in a narcissistic family, the wrongdoer is always seen as being the scapegoat. There is no love-bombing, no false praise as there is with the golden child role, just constant and relentless put-downs, disrespect, belittling and humiliation. In essence, gaslighting, manipulation, bullying and generally, emotional abuse and neglect.
However, there is hope. With the assistance of a positive adult or partner, and recognition of the dysfunctional structural family dynamics and patterns, you can become self-aware and break free from the narcissist’s projections and introjections; thereby developing healthier relationships. You may also consider going ‘No Contact’ or ‘Low Contact’ with the narcissist/enabler in order to heal and re-build your life.
