For a narcissist, money is used a tool to manipulate, have power over and to control people. They use it as a weapon to abuse people. If they have it, they also like to show off their ‘wealthy’ status.

Gifts

Money, or anything else they can leverage against you will be used to compel you to do what they want. With a narcissist, everything is transactional and has strings attached, especially gifts. They don’t understand the concept of “give” without “take”, and love to have you “owe” them. Gifts are tools to appear generous and to flatter you at gift giving time, then will lord it over you to make you feel obligated when they become unhappy with you.

Financial abuse

Narcissists use financial abuse by being a, “provider” and “looking after you”. They will, “take care of you”, and ensure it’s hard for you to have / keep a job. They will empty your bank account/s, or be okay with you earning very little, or, otherwise tell you they don’t want you to work. They want you to be reliant and dependent on them, and trapped, because if they pay all the bills and pay for your food etc., then they believe they have something over you. Also, if you have your own money, they will shame and belittle you for spending it on yourself, which includes lowering your self-esteem, but will hypocritically spend lavishly on themselves. They may also let you pay for everything in order to deplete your funds and not contribute, or contribute little.

They can also be very secretive about their financial situation so they can control what you think about your finances, if in a couple, and what you can and can’t afford. They will have secret bank accounts that you can’t access. Narcissists will be generous with their funds when out in public (for example, taking you out for an expensive dinner), and stingy in private, (for example, not having much food in the refrigerator) (the typical, “street angel, home devil”).

Narcissists have a sense of entitlement to have whatever they want. They may therefore spend with gay abandon, run up credit card debt, or take out loans and not discuss it with you. They can commit fraud and take out loans in your name, and leave you with a surprise debt you knew nothing about – let alone agree to. Narcissists will gaslight you if you call them out on it, telling all sorts of lies to deflect from themselves.

Money as punishment

Narcissists also use money as a tool for punishment. They can reward you financially when you’re toeing the line and doing what they want, but they will then withhold money from you when you don’t comply with their wishes. Narcissists are vindictive. If you do not do what they want, they feel entitled to ruin your life. Victims find it difficult to break free due to being trapped.

Financial abuse is real (not to mention the emotional, physical, sexual or mental abuse people experience in relationships with narcissists), and is now enshrined in coercive control criminal laws in some states of Australia (new South Wales and Queensland in particular).

Tips to regain financial control

  • Set up a separate bank account in your name only and keep it secure by ensuring the narcissist has no access to your passwords or PINs. Change any other passwords and security questions on accounts or any other information the narcissist has access to.
  • Gather your important documents such as your birth certificate, passport and bank statements and keep these in a safe place.
  • If you can, start putting aside small amounts of money in your separate account (or elsewhere). These savings can make a difference.
  • Understand your financial situation. Write down all necessary bills and expenses and make a plan regarding how to pay for them once you’ve left the narcissist.
  • Financial abuse / domestic abuse support services are also available to provide information and guidance on how to protect assets and reclaim your financial independence.