Growing up with narcissists means growing up with constant criticism, emotional (and other) abuse and neglect, abandonment, being ignored, and the demolition of your confidence, self-esteem and self-worth. Narcissists have zero empathy or self-awareness, and take no accountability for injuries inflicted upon their children.
As an adult, since you internalised (or introjected) your parents’/caregivers’ voice and view of you through repeat trauma, you may now have C-PTSD, struggle with overthinking, feelings of shame, not being worthy, being a defective human, and generally not being good enough for anything. We grew up without safety, and may be driven by fear, worry/overthinking, anxiety, doubt and limiting beliefs, and operate on trauma responses including fight or flight, or freeze or fawn; considering these responses to be part of, or our whole, personality. These thoughts and beliefs rule us and sadly, crush our dreams. We live in fear of failing, of being rejected, and indeed, succeeding. We stay stuck, procrastinating as we fear change and the unknown, believing that we need to be perfect.
Imagine if you perceive or have been told you have ‘failed’ at something (like school), this can set you up further with limiting beliefs that you’re unworthy, broken, nothing but human rubbish, and ashamed of yourself, that you have no right to breathe air or to even exist. Then other people in your life start treating you like garbage since that’s what you’ve been taught to believe you are, and other experiences support and reinforce that. Authority figures at work, partners and friends can all operate to reinforce your worldview that you don’t deserve anything good in life.
The good news is that we can change the old scripts we have been running on and create meaning, purpose and fulfilment in our lives. Our ‘inner critic’ or that voice that keeps shutting us down to keep us safe and out of harm’s way comes at a great cost to our happiness and personal success in life.
Rather than focussing on our perceived shortcomings, we can help ourselves by focusing externally on what we have, what we’re grateful for (and not what we don’t). Stop being down on ourselves, we have been judged enough. Start noticing what trips off our inner critic, and without judging ourselves, stand back and observe – be a witness of our behaviour, our ‘inner critic’ and separate the ‘self’ from the voice within. Find positive people to associate with, who notice, affirm and support your strengths, staying away from people who put you down. Also, be in the present, easier said than done I know, tomorrow holds no guarantee, and no guarantee that what you’re fearing/worrying about today will come to pass.
You have this one life to live, it’s your journey, so start with the first baby step. You are worth it.
