The term ‘DARVO’ in relation to narcissistic abuse refers to Deny-Attack-Reverse-Victim-and-Offender. It is a psychological tactic and a way of manipulating you. The narcissist Denies that that they are doing anything wrong and take no accountability or responsibility for their actions. They will minimise whatever you are calling them out on, in effect, gaslighting you.
They will then Attack you. They will say things like, “you’re too sensitive”, or, “you’re overreacting.”
The most important part of their strategy is Reversing Victim and Offender. They act as though you are the one hurting them. They will say things like, “what are you getting so upset about, if you didn’t do X then I wouldn’t feel this way.” You become the bad person or Offender for creating issues, and they become the Victim. This redirects attention from their poor behaviour onto you, trying to make you feel guilty for raising the issue, and to put you on the defensive.
Being in this type of relationship dynamic often stems from childhood experiences. If you grew up with narcissistic, controlling parents, then you were most likely treated like an unwanted burden. Speaking up was like talking to a brick wall and nothing you complained about was actioned. There were more likely consequences for speaking up like, being criticised, belittled, humiliated, verbally abused, yelled at, hit, and/or ignored. Then, as adults, we become quiet and hyper-independent because we are used to not seeking help. We don’t want to burden anyone, feel like a complainer, failure or risk being labelled, “a victim.”
If you are aware of DARVO tactics and power dynamic by your abuser, then you can take effective action. If you feel bad for rightly speaking up, then this is a sign that you are being played or manipulated, not that you are in the wrong. Your feelings are no reflection on you but rather a consequence of the narcissist’s behaviour. Remember, the behaviour you tolerate and accept is a green light for the narcissist to keep treating you this way. Establish and enforce boundaries, learn to respect and value yourself, and if necessary, go “No Contact” or “Very Low Contact” with the abuser.
You have the right to stand up for yourself, especially when you’re being “DARVO’ed.”
