If you have experienced narcissistic (or other) abuse in childhood, chances are you will repeat this familiar scenario in relationships as an adult, and can become ‘trauma bonded.’ You can feel as though you go around on the same emotional abuse cycle with the narcissist(s) in your life. Your brain is set for survival, which is great, but we need to prioritise our mental health too. However, our subconscious minds are programmed for survival, and continue to drive our behaviour into adulthood because that is our patterning. The good news is that we can reprogram our minds to make healthier choices and make better decisions for ourselves, by dealing with the underlying patterns.
In a trauma bonded cycle with a narcissist, you can feel as though you’re on an emotional rollercoaster and can’t get off the ride, as the relationship goes up then down through a particular routine, being; the love bombing phase (which is also known as the ‘honeymoon phase’), the devaluing phase, and the discard phase. Then the hoovering (trying to, ‘suck you in’) begins in order to manipulate you back into their power game, and to start the cycle all over again.
When you eventually leave the narcissist, and go ‘No Contact’, you can then reflect and see the patterns and cycles more clearly. You will see how the narcissist was baiting you, needling you and drawing you in so they could get a reaction from you – then call you the crazy or abusive one, deflecting from their own actions. You probably don’t trust the person your with, but feel you can’t leave. You live in hope that they will change, or blame yourself, telling yourself all sorts of stories to rationalise, justify and explain the way they treated you (eg, they were just joking, they didn’t really mean it, they have had a bad day etc.).
However, the narcissist will never change, and you are not to blame for their lies, gaslighting and manipulation. Even though you know deep down what they are like, you don’t want to admit it to yourself lest you might need to do something about it (like leave them) and you feel you can’t (which can be for a variety of reasons). Therefore, you go into ‘damage control’ mode.
Then, when there is peace and quiet, or the calm after the storm, and you’re back in the honeymoon phase of the cycle, you may feel relieved that everything is now okay and that you will stay. The good times are now here (again), hooray! However, the tension will inevitably build again to the point where you are devalued and discarded. Lather, rinse and repeat.
The good news is that you can learn to trust yourself once you’re aware of your patterns, and reprogram those patterns with a healthier program, one that will draw you to healthier people. You also don’t need your self-esteem or self-worth to be dependent on someone else’s opinion, approval and acceptance of you. You are worthy just as you are – for being your own unique self. Notice the energy when you’re around you partner, how does it feel, especially in the devalue and discard phases of the cycle? Are you masking your true self? Are you people-pleasing and trying to impress them? Pretending to like their interests when you don’t?
In a trauma-bonded relationship, your brain becomes wired to seek the narcissist’s approval, which you will never get (and your validation doesn’t depend on it). This wiring to tether your self-esteem and self-worth to the narcissist’s approval, arises through what is called, ‘intermittent reinforcement.’ This means that sometimes the narcissist is nice, then, sometimes they are abusive. This can occur gradually over time, so you don’t really notice (the ‘boiled frog’ syndrome), or suddenly, and you’re blindsided by them, usually at a time when you can’t leave (eg, you have small children to care for and no income). The narcissist will then tell you they ‘didn’t mean it’, that they ‘love you’, and promising you the world (future faking), thereby manipulating you into staying when they think you’re on the verge of leaving, or making plans to leave.
By learning to put your needs above the narcissist’s (ie by not people-pleasing) – since people-pleasers and emotionally abusive narcissists often end up together, and not being concerned about their feelings first, then you will not have to walk on eggshells around them or be hypervigilant in reading their moods. You may also need to examine your beliefs about yourself being worthy of love, and beliefs about the world around you, especially in relation to romantic love. This will then shift the dynamics and go some way towards breaking the trauma bond.
