“Do you what you wanna do, be what you wanna be … Yeah!” – ‘Because I Love You’ by The Masters Apprentices (1971)
If you have grown up in a narcissistic or other abusive familial relationship, you may have become accustomed to being what’s known as a ‘people pleaser.’ This typically codependent dynamic may have developed in response to not having your needs and wants or desires prioritised or taken care of by ‘caregivers’, thereby growing up with low self-worth and self-esteem. As a result, you have an emotional need to ‘people please’ in order to; ‘keep the peace’ to not ‘upset people/parents’, to be ‘nice,’ or to be a ‘good person.’ You are however, in effect, making someone else more comfortable at your own expense.
Often the decision to people please is made out of fear, especially if you grew up experiencing trauma; including constant rejection, criticism, verbal, physical or any other kind of abuse or neglect from raging parental figures. Survival mode then became the way we operated as children in order to protect ourselves from even more abuse and trauma. Being terrified of conflict then follows us into adult relationships.
Identify where people pleasing occurs in your life now – is it still parents? Bosses? Significant others? Are these the dynamics where you overlook the inconvenience to yourself and ignore your instincts, abandoning your own needs and authentic self. In placating others, you are dimming your own light, the other person you’re pleasing is not in a true relationship with you either, as you’re being dishonest with them; you’re a pretender. Once the pattern of people pleasing has commenced with particular individuals, then it continues at a cost to you, and the pattern keeps continuing, on an on. In effect, people pleasing is also (unconsciously) manipulative, and an attempt to get your needs met indirectly (which is ineffective).
Even though you’re saying ‘Yes,’ at the time, internally and energetically, you may be feeling that you want to say, or should say, ‘No,’ as it’s having a negative impact on you. This occurs since you’re most likely a compassionate and empathetic person who doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and it feels good when fixing others’ issues. How then do you effectively change this pattern of behaviour though and say ‘No’ when you need to?
People pleasers tend to merge with others, violating their own boundaries. Some ways to set healthier boundaries, and to value yourself from within rather than seeking external validation, concerning the people pleasing syndrome includes:
- speaking up directly and assertively, but with kindness;
- pausing before agreeing to anything, don’t feel ‘put on the spot.’ You can say, ‘Let me get back to you’;
- allowing people be disappointed without rushing in to fix it;
- journalling through your feelings rather than detaching or dissociating from them; and
- reminding yourself that not everyone is for you, and that you’re not for everyone. Not everyone has to like you, and vice versa.
The above will be a work in progress, but you aren’t broken and you can change the script in your life. Reflect on your goals as well, both short term and long term. Spending time alone, or with nature, and/or animals, can also gave you the space and clarity you need. Move to the other side of the country, or the world if you need to. Get rid of toxic people from your life; those who disrespect your boundaries then gaslight you into feeling bad for standing up for yourself. You don’t need them, and you also don’t need to apologise for having boundaries either, so save saying sorry for when you’ve done something wrong.
Therefore, take all the time you need for yourself, it’s important, and, learning to put yourself first is not selfish. You are equally as important as everyone else. You are not in this world to live up to other people’s expectations or to bow to their demands. Remember, ‘No’ is a complete sentence.
Ending people pleasing also helps you to reclaim and own your power, the bonus is that your confidence will grow too – be who you want to be.
