The term, ‘Learned Helplessness’ was coined by Martin Seligman, the ‘Father of positive psychology’, and he also proposes how to take control back in your life via ‘Learned Optimism’.
Learned helplessness is a thought disorder often arising from childhood abuse and neglect, including being constantly criticised and told that you’re incapable of doing anything, that you’re hopeless, useless, a failure, and so on. Or, it can arise from excessive ‘wrapping in cotton wool’ as a child, shielded and over-protected from the challenges and difficulties life throws up. If you have never been valued, you can come to feel stuck, trapped and powerless in your life, and unable to control or change your thoughts and emotions, and therefore outcomes around life situations, circumstances and achieving your goals; then this is a reflection of the beliefs you have learned and internalised – not of who you are.
The resolution of issues can then be difficult, fearing that bad or even worse things will happen if they take back their agency and exert any control over their lives. There are low expectations of success, low resilience and low persistence. You may not speak up, or be reluctant to ask for help even when support is available or offered, believing nothing will change anyway and that you will be rejected or refused. You could also give up when things become difficult, be unmotivated and procrastinate, because it ‘doesn’t really matter’, and this can then feed into low self-worth, low self-esteem and low self-confidence. It can also lead to constantly second-guessing yourself, issues around decision-making, being passive and unassertive in the face of conflict, being avoidant, depression and anxiety. Learned helplessness can also worsen other mental health issues such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and addiction(s).
Children who grow up in controlled, including narcissistic environments, can often develop feelings of learned helplessness and carry them into their adult life due to the ongoing adversity and challenges they face. If, as a child you weren’t allowed to learn or explore life at all by yourself, and face obstacles and challenges to overcome, then you could have grown up with a ‘helplessness’ and an ‘incapable’ mindset due to not developing the healthy coping mechanisms and skills required to handle setbacks and adversity. This can lead to (co)dependency and requiring others to solve your issues for you.
You may then find yourself in a toxic relationship where one partner continually sabotages, undermines, judges and criticises the other, especially if or when they attempt to exercise autonomy. Whatever the targeted partner does, it will always be wrong, and they will be shamed harshly for their agency. The targeted partner then believes they have no control over the dynamics of the relationship. Again, they may mask what is going on, not speak up or ask for help as the abusive partner will find a way to use it against them, and double-down on the undermining and put downs. It can prevent people from taking the steps they need to improve or leave their situation, such as making an exit plan. Their lives are conditional and require permission from someone else before they can act.
Overcoming Learned Helplessness
Do not despair, hope can be cultivated and things can become better in your life despite stressful life circumstances. People come to feel that life is something that happens to them, and that life’s events are something that happens ‘to them’, that they have no control over. Conversely, people who are optimistic and hopeful feel they can control their lives and outcomes to an extent. Although there are some situations we have no control over, and are unable to change. It is important to recognise and accept the difference.
If you find a therapist that is a good fit, then they can work with you to uncover and unpack the source of your learned helplessness, and show other pathways forward such as changing unhelpful beliefs and seeing challenges as temporary, not permanent, and as they saying goes, ‘this too shall pass.’ They can help you to recognise that life has its highs and its lows. You may start clocking up small wins in your life, and see that one or more setbacks are not indicative of your entire life or a personality flaw, or that you are a failure. Setbacks are ways to learn. Celebrate and take credit for your wins, it isn’t just ‘luck’.
Childhood trauma teaches us to surrender, to just give up, on ourselves, on trusting people, and on life and its possibilities. Practicing being optimistic (easier said than done, I know), and working with a supportive therapist if possible, can shift your mindset from ‘I can’t’, to, ‘I can’.