If you have grown up with narcissistic parents, then ended up with a narcissistic partner, boss or friend etc., then you can be ‘trauma bonded’ to these people. Your ‘self’ becomes defined by their abuse of you; which is internalised by the survivor/victim. Narcissists are constantly angry, criticising, ignoring/stonewalling, invalidating, triangulating, yelling, hitting, lying, plus, denying your needs and isolating you by denying access to family/others/work (and money). The abuse goes on and on.
Then, they may be temporarily ‘nice’ (gaslighting and intermittent reinforcement), in order to manipulate you into staying under their power and control…creating a cycle of abuse, day after day. The trauma bonding makes it difficult to leave, and even if you do, the introjection of their verbal and other abuse stays with you, and destroys your self-esteem and self-worth further via their arrogance, entitlement, guilting, blaming and shaming, not to mention the installation of fear when you reclaim your power by leaving or going, ‘No Contact.’
Radical Acceptance
In order to break the trauma bond with a narcissist, we need to explore a concept known as ‘Radical Acceptance.’
The narcissist’s negative emotions and projections trigger anger and resentment in us, and is a message for us to stick up for ourselves. How we deal with these emotions however is up to us to master. We can sit on them, let them out, or become passive-aggressive. However, we can also be assertive, which is a healthier way to stand up for your needs and break free from the relationship pattern. The narcissist will not be happy with you attempting to differentiate yourself, as you are meant to be an extension of them; a puppet.
Another way to deal with the narcissist is to disengage from the emotional harm they cause, and continue to try to cause to get you to react. Working towards prioritising a life which contains emotional maturity stability, and respect for yourself and others. You will never be able to control a narcissist, so it will be beneficial to accept that this is the case. There is no hope, ever of changing a narcissist. Give up hope as the narcissist is disordered.
There is therefore no point in hanging on to the emotions they elicit in you. Acknowledge the pain and suffering they have caused you, do not deny it, but do not hold on – work on accepting and releasing this emotional pain. YOU are the creator of your life; you are the driver of your wellbeing and stability, not the narcissist. You do not have to spend your life being their victim and have them continually bring you down. You are strong and a survivor. The narcissist is a free agent, and so are you in your own life. Accept that. Detach from them. Strive for your own goals in alignment with your needs and values, whilst realising that perfection is unattainable.
You will then become free to be the authentic, real you that you were meant to be. You will stop hiding and abandoning yourself and your ability to make informed choices, and also have peace in your life, rather than constant drama and conflict. You may also find yourself growing and having healthier relationships now that you see the relationship for what it is, and stop avoiding pain. Although it will not be a pain-free or easy path to follow when you do decide to leave (ie there may be legal issues, smear campaigns, stalking, moving on with a new partner they are love-bombing etc., ostracism from others), it is nevertheless always, always, worth walking away from the toxic narcissist. The choice is yours.
