If one parent is using the children as pawns to alienate them from the other, more healthy parent, what can you do? It is emotionally devastating to experience the manipulative dynamics of parental alienation, so, how can you parent in a healthy way?
The healthier parent needs to show unconditional love to their children, and be the safe, supportive, role model their children can look up to. Do not do what the other parent does and badmouth them, or express anger about them within earshot of your children (as hard as it may be not to). Do not allow your other family members, friends or any new partner to talk badly about the toxic parent either – especially when it involves sharing information about legal proceedings (divorce, contact/residency and/or property settlement). This information is not for childrens’ ears, and effectively parentifies them. If you are in the position where you are paying child support, then make sure you pay it, and, if the child wants to spend X amount of time with the other parent, then do not hold them back. Once the child is an adult, and, if they bring the subject up, then you can talk about the court battle or anything else. If they are still a child and ask, still don’t say anything about it, just let them know that you love them and that it’s not information for children to hear about.
If you play the same game as the narcissistic or otherwise abusive/toxic parent, then it will blow up in your face. The children will be put in a position of, ‘piggy in the middle’ where they feel the need choose one parent over the other, which is totally unfair. If possible, don’t engage with the other parent, verbally or otherwise. If you do have to speak to them, listen to them without interruption, stay civil and responsive, even empathetic, and don’t be reactive, even if they are being vitriolic towards you. If they are calling you out, blaming you for whatever, then just own it if it’s true. Be reflective; clarify what they are saying to ensure you clearly understand what they’re communicating. You are free to leave the conversation if they are or continue being abusive, and assert your boundaries. You don’t have to put up with being under attack from your ex-partner or anyone else.
When your children start attacking you about what you have supposedly done according to the alienating parent, then just let them vent as they don’t have the emotional maturity to understand the situation. Do not defend or counter what they are saying by telling them that it is all lies (which it will be) and it is just the alienating parent trying to discredit you and keep them onside against you. The children will eventually see the truth. You are responsible for being a positive role model of love, support and unconditional love for your kids. Also, do not try to force your children to have a relationship with you if they don’t want to at the time, especially if they’re adults. Do not breach their boundaries. If they think they’re betraying the other parent, or are believing their lies then just leave them be. As long as they know you love them, they will come around when they’re ready.
