When narcissistic relationships break down, and children are involved, this is the optimum time for the narcissist to alienate their children from the other parent (and grandparents in some cases). The narcissistic parent uses alienation as a manipulative tool and revenge tactic to deliberately ostracise the children from the so-called ‘healthier’ parent, who is most likely an enabler of the narcissist. However, the healthier parent realises that it is in the child’s best interests to have parents who love them, and to provide for their needs.
The brainwashing of the children by the narcissistic parent, who suffers a ‘narcissistic injury’ when their enabling supply reclaims their power (or gets involved with another narcissist), is the resulting backlash of experiencing this wound. The children are considered objects and extensions of the narcissist, not individuals in their own right, therefore the narcissist will continually and viciously attempt to systematically turn the children against the other parent and align themselves with the narcissist. It is unfair and selfish of the childish, immature narcissist to place their children in the position of ‘piggy in the middle’ or the ‘meat in the sandwich’ between their two parents.
In disputed child ‘residence’ and ‘contact’ matters (Australian terminology, previously known as ‘custody’ and ‘access’), and in my experience, there may be sworn Affidavits filed and served by the narcissist on the healthier parent, alleging all sorts of child abuse, which, incidentally, had never been raised before the relationship breakdown. Children may be roped into proceedings if the relevant family court grants leave for them to swear their own Affidavit, which, however, may contain information (lies) as influenced by the narcissistic parent. Even better if the child has recently turned 18 years old and is considered to be an adult and provide sworn evidence without seeking leave of the court. Narcissists are without conscience, without empathy, and love conducting a smear campaign.
With the advent of emails and texting, and social media, the child may share information not originating from them and out of character, with the healthier parent, for example, accusing the healthier parent of being irresponsible with money, a gambler, an alcoholic or drug abuser; parroting the lies that the narcissist has told them. Also, on return from a ‘contact’ visit, the narcissist will interrogate the child about what happened, obtaining narcissistic supply for their arsenal to then use against the other parent when convenient. It could be to do with food consumed, clothes worn, where they went, what it cost, who else they saw, what that person/those people said, homework done/not done, and on and on; and none of which had occurred would be satisfactory to the narcissist. The children are effectively used to spy on the other parent. Any minute shred of truth in the information pumped from the children, will be turned around by the narcissist (projected) to render the healthier parent incompetent and unfit.
Children might also stop doing the things they love at the healthier parent’s home, eg watching Disney+ on a streaming service or playing games on Xbox, as the narcissist has told them it’s bad or stupid. Things that made the child happy will be shamed with the hope they don’t engage in these activities at the healthier parent’s home, and with any luck, won’t want to spend time with that parent, withdraw, become angry and resentful, and eventually hate that parent. The narcissist wants to monopolise and control the children, and have their family as the only family in their lives, in order to minimise detection of how abusive they are. In effect, the narcissist uses the children as instruments in an attempt to dominate and retain control over a relationship that is over, and to obliterate the relationship the children have with the other parent, and that parent’s extended family.
The next post on narcissism will cover how to deal with the effects of parental alienation.
